Q: What do you call a drummer driving a Volkswagen?
A: Farfromthinken.

A Bloody Nose
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

Redneck Letter
Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

A letter from Grandma
I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is.and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

Things Dogs Must Try to Remember
1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
9. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
10. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. And I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
17. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
20. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
22. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
25. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
26. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
27. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
28. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
29. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
30. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
31. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
32. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
33. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
34. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
36. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
37. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
38. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
39. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
40. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A Little Poem (for all of you 'morning' people)
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head.

Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."